Going out to eat could be safer than you think as long as you choose somewhere with sticky menus, according to an important bloke from Wandsworth.
As many places seek to clean, clean and clean some more, not everyone believes cleanliness is the best way to beat the virus.
“My mother always told me you never got ill eating dirt,” said the bloke. “It stands to reason. A little bit of dirt is a good thing. You need to go and eat somewhere dirtier than the virus.”
One couple trying to enjoy a socially distanced meal in a local bistro, agreed. “If we need to cough or sneeze we aim at the menu. It’s like those plexiglass screens but safer. Years of consolidated filth digest the virus and stop it spreading. You can almost hear the virus scream as it tries to wriggle free of the caked-on lasagne.”
The couple were going one step further though, just to be sure. “We’ve decided to try drinking lots of cheap wine too. That’s got to help”, said Vicky, swigging directly from the bottle.
When asked how they felt about the presence of other diners close by, they were unperturbed. “Frankly if you’ve ever been to the toilets here you’ll know the virus will stay clear. We used to eat in Fitzrovia where it was much cleaner, but now we’ve decided to come south of the river. It’s dirtier here.”
When pressed, the pair agreed that the Coronavirus lockdown had impacted their mental health. “We’re no longer capable of rational decisions. Our brains have been completely mungled by all this stuff. We just felt we had to get out and bingo, here we are with our sticky menus. This nice man made us feel completely safe.”
The bloke from Wandsworth beamed as he tried to hug his new-found friends. “I’ve been all over the country this summer, from Durham to Dover, Birmingham to Bristol, and I’ve been completely unaffected by the Covid thing. If you want to eat out and stay out, go somewhere dirty with sticky menus. That’s what I’ve done this year, and many years before actually.”
We asked the Government to comment, but they would only say they have been trying to get hold of the man, but he’s not so easy to track or trace.