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My wife says I have a snoring problem and is threatening to kick me out of bed. What should I do?

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My wife says my loud snoring is driving her batty as she can’t get to sleep. I don’t think I snore that badly, and certainly don’t have a snoring problem. Even if I do breathe heavily at night, any battyness on her part has been there for some time. However she’s now threatening to send me to sleep on the couch. Have you any tips for helping me get some peace and quiet?

Marvin’s answer: We all snore to some degree. I know even I have a rumble sometimes. I also agree that some people are oversensitive to the pleasant rhythmic breathing of us so-called “loud snorers”. However I guess you do need to do something about it before it becomes blown out of all proportion.

Snoring problem can cause issues with wives
I’m not sure who has the snoring problem…

Snoring problem recovery plan

To start with you have to remember that this is not a blame game. You are not snoring (or breathing heavily) deliberately to annoy your other half. You are just at peace with yourself and asleep. So my approach to resolve this minor snoring problem consists of four options:

  1. Go to bed after your wife has gone to sleep. This has the advantage of giving you some extra internet surfing time, Xbox playing, or watching that dodgy film you’ve always wanted to see. By the time you get into bed, your wife won’t notice your sonic booms as she’ll be fast asleep.
  2. Get your wife some earplugs. Or ear phones. Or a deep pillow so her ears are blocked once she sinks into it. If she’s not keen, get her to start listening to audio books. Anything to plug those lugs.
  3. Try using some medicinal means. I’m not recommending alcohol, but if you’ve both had a tipple it might help one or either of you not to care. Alcohol can induce snoring though, so be warned.
  4. Finally see if you can get a reciprocal recording of your wife snoring (always possible if you are following step 1). This has the benefit of not just being a “told you so” moment, but also helping you as the hard-done by partner get a few brownie points (“I’ve had to put up with you snoring and never complained once…”).

If these ideas all fail then you could try checking some of other tips for stopping snoring from the NHS.

Just remember, snoring is not something you do to annoy your wife (well I’m guessing anyway). It’s natural. You just have to find a way to get her to appreciate how beautiful the natural you actually is. Dream on.

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