Social distancing relaxation cleaning

Social distancing relaxation means friends are coming to my house. Should I clean it before they arrive?

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Since lockdown I have taken the opportunity not to clean my house. Now with social distancing relaxation, all of a sudden 5 friends want to visit my garden. This means they’ll need to walk through my house to get to my pretend “pub”, and maybe even use my toilet. Should I clean before they arrive, or simply leave them bleach and wipes as part of the social distancing rules to save myself a job?

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Marvin’s answer:

Good question. Many of us have let ourselves go over the past few weeks. My hair is now shaggy, my fingernails dirty and I’ve forgotten how to shave. Whilst I started enthusiastically tidying and cleaning my house at the start of lockdown, things have gone downhill over the last few weeks. I got bored of being energetic.

So I have a similar problem, although it’s been like tumbleweed waiting for 5 people to suggest meeting up.

That aside, I think your idea is a great one. Leave masks, bleach and other cleaning products at the front and back doors. Anyone going in has to clean the route they took, so you could suggest people wash their hands in a different room to the toilet, and in that way you might get your kitchen, bathroom, hall and toilet all cleaned by your friends.

Given the issues some of us have with middle aged bladders, you might be lucky and have one person who does more than one cleaning run. If you think that might be likely, perhaps leaving a camping toilet in another room might get some additional areas cleaned.

Just be wary of anyone saying they want to see what’s behind your shed, or up your back passage. These may have been funny innuendos before, but now they’re simply looking for a place to provide you with a new outside toilet area.

What’s more, getting them to bring their own glasses and alcohol will save that dreary washing up and tidying effort at the end of the night, when all you want to do is crash into your bed.

Social distancing relaxation dilemmas

Just don’t forget the dilemma you may face towards the end of the evening. When you’ve all had a few drinks and it gets cold, the house will be a sorely tempting place to decamp to. Just remember the police have made it clear they want your neighbours to report you if you are having “a house party with people who don’t live at the house”. Genuinely.

Therefore to prevent breaking all the social distancing relaxation rules in one go I would suggest you use one or more of the following to keep warm:

  • Cheap brandy. Actually many spirits would probably work but brandy is the one for me.
  • Joe Wicks. Working out with or simply watching, depending on your taste.
  • A fire, where you burn your suits, ties and any other clothes you won’t be using again.

Feel free to think of or suggest your own ideas.

Anyway, in conclusion, there’s no point cleaning your house before your friends come round. Remember, they’re only coming to you as their houses are probably in a worse state than yours. Just leave out some marigolds (as in gloves, not plants) and watch them clean their way to your bathroom and back.

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